I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
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*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
If a snake ate a cake
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
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After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
How it started: How it’s going: