Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
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[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower