*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
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Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.