It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
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I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.