*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
You Might Also Like
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread