Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
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Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
adam and eve had first world problems
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
is it earth
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.