My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
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If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.