I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
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“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Practicing safe sax
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.