At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
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HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job