I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
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I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…