*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
You Might Also Like
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?