I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
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My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!