Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
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Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
“What movie?” 🤔
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her: