A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
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The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Beauty and the Beast
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or