how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
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Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.