If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
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Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
Oh, I bet you would be
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D