Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
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Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase