For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
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Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
you have three unread messages
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
waiting for halloween be like:
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.