Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
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“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]