People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
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A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
The first matador
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives