grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
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Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles