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ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
men are simple creatures
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
Y’all ready for this
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?