son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
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I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.