If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
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[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
c’mon!
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?