If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
You Might Also Like
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?