DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
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Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.