After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
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For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms