Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
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watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
I enjoy a good short stor
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
3% human
97% stress
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?