If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
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My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds