“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
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People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.