Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
You Might Also Like
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
😅🤣😂
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around