This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
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Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”