I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
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WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Good morning, Twitter x
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.