I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
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white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
the rocks need my help