What flavor cupcake are these
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I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
“Theirye’re” problem solved
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones