Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
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I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
when someone rings the doorbell
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?