[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
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I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.