IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
You Might Also Like
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Ok but actually
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄