blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
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If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.