I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
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If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
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Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
The days of good grammer has went
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty