Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
You Might Also Like
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
My what?
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.