The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
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My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
asking santa clause for nudes
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.