I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
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If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks