*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
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As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
What do you hear?
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.