“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
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Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking