A double negative is a big no-no.
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WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)