My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
You Might Also Like
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Don’t make me out nice you.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?