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It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
He died doing what he loved: being alive
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
You learn something every day
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush