HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
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I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
canadian assassins are called killergrams
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
Only a mother’s love …
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38