marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
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Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.